Hello internet!! I’m back after another week. Currently there are only two more weeks of classes left and then two weeks of studying and finals on top of that. Within the next few weeks, all my stuff will be packed out of my dorm room, and I will be bringing it back home. Just eight months ago I remember having all my stuff packed for the first time sitting in the corner of my bedroom for it to be transferred to my dorm room, and now it’s all coming back.
It’s so strange for it to be the end of my first year at college, seeing as I feel as if it just began. I remember so vividly move in day, and being so happy to finally be away from home for the first time. The excitement of having roommates and living in a dorm building. The joy of being finished with high school and finally being a college student. There are so many regrets that I have as well as so many things I wish I could have done differently. Although I did learn a lot during these past two semesters, I wish I could say that I’ve learned more about myself. I still feel as stuck and lost about my future as I did in August, and I’m only hoping to get to that point where I finally figure it out.
It’s pretty daunting to think about how I’m in that part of my life where I’m getting prepared for what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life. There are also so many fucking things I have the opportunity to do with my life; being young and having a clean slate. On one hand, I could actually be that person who goes and pursues in something I love, which is photography and film. On the other hand, I could absolutely fucking suck at that, and end up wishing I had taken that safe route of studying something in business (which is my current path) that comes with a stable salary. Not to mention that starting a career in the arts is always risky when you’re not as talented as others are.
One thing that was a challenge for me these past two semesters was my mental health. I absolutely never talk about it in real life to people seeing as I’ve never really seen my anxiety as “actual anxiety” because it’s not as bad as others. Also kind of hate the term “mental health” because that makes it so much more real. I’m not the kind of person to have terrible anxiety attacks to the point where I can’t catch my own breath, the physical aspect is mostly just excessive shaking and erratic heart beating. I’ve read about stories of those who experience horrible anxiety attacks, and because of my lack of terrible ones, I pushed my anxiety aside, believing it’s not as serious as it really is. I realized that any kind of anxiety is valid and should be recognized, and now I just have to work on recognizing it more. (Also should probably see someone about it, but I already know that won’t happen as much as it should.)
I also feel pretty stupid and kinda hate myself for not finding that group of friends that every freshman seems to find in their first year of college. My friends from high school have all found their group, however I have yet to find those people. I already know it’s my fault due to flaws within myself I’m trying to change, but I hope I gain some sort of confidence and find that will to change myself this summer before next semester begins. At the moment there’s only three people I’m looking forward to seeing again next semester, one being my old roommate. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have absolutely no money and refuse to take out another loan in order to dorm, I would be rooming with her again. Instead I’ll be commuting since it’s not that far of a drive, and I’ll get to save money by living at home. The only thing is that I have yet to get my license and I basically just started to learn how to drive. Ha. Let’s just hope I get my shit together and learn how to drive in time for next semester.
For now, I have to focus on keeping my grades up and preparing to study for finals before everything comes to a close. All things considered, some days were way better than others, and I’m sort of proud of myself for making it this far. Despite the fat ass debt I’ve incurred due to trying to get a higher education, I’m looking forward to what the rest of my college life will be like for me.
This post turned into sort of a rant lmao! Oh well. To my other fellow college students: good luck, y’all got this!! See you next weekend!